It's better this way

There are things that annoy me. Irrational things. Things that annoy me so much that my annoyance annoys other people. What's worse, is that many times the activity that annoys me is perpetrated by someone who thinks they are being really extra polite. So I have many encounters wherein the person with whom I'm interacting expects a reaction from me that is somewhere on the spectrum of ambivalent to grateful, and I come back with a badly-concealed eye roll. Okay, maybe not that bad. Eye rolls are incredibly dismissive and mean, but sometimes the best I can do is an emotionless dead stare, and I'm not sure that's better.

This is all a very long-winded way of announcing that I am now going to list all of the things I can think of that drive me batty. You don't have to read it, because they really don't make sense for the most part, and I'm sure that my feelings about this list are greatly exacerbated by the insane hormones currently raging inside my body. Nonetheless, I have to put them here or I'll say them out loud. To the people who actually annoy me. Nobody wants that. It's not their fault that they sneeze wrong.

• Mouth noises - If I can hear you chew, gulp, smack your lips or breathe through your mouth, I'm probably feeling violent. That's disgusting and uncalled for.


• People who insist on saying "bless you" following every sneeze they hear. If I sneeze 17 times in a row (it's happened), and you feel that you MUST bless me, say it ONCE, okay? ONCE. I don't even really need you to say it at all, certainly not 17 times.


• Cars who stop to let me cross the street. Okay, I know this one is weird, but think about it. If there are only one or two cars on the road, and you are patiently waiting on the sidewalk to cross the street, you will actually get to the other side faster if the cars just go ahead and pass, rather than take the time to slow down and come to a safe stop in order for you to walk across. Plus, I'd really rather not have an audience while I cross the street. It makes me feel like I need to rush and that I'm holding up traffic and that I'm in the way.


• On the other side of the sneezing issue: People who vocalize while they sneeze. I know, I know, that it is impossible not to do so when you have been doing so nearly all of your life. But I also theorize that it is not necessary nor is it natural. Babies don't hoot in the middle of sneezing; they don't say the actual word achoo while sneezing. They just breathe in deeply, and then breathe out really quickly through their noses. No voice.


• Patronizing use of the word "we." This annoys everybody, doesn't it? WE are not eating this meal, I am. WE did not say how far along we are in this pregnancy, as last I checked, WE do not share a uterus. I almost feel like this bullet point is so obvious I shouldn't have even listed it, but you know, spirit of sharing and all that...


• Open doors, but not the ones that lead to houses. Okay, again, super dumb and weirdly irrational. I do not understand why someone would open a cabinet door to retrieve something, then just leave it open. Why would you open the mailbox, get the mail, then leave the mailbox open? WHY? Really! I need to know!


• People who say "Git Er Dun!" What is that? What does that even mean? Are you trying to sound like an assh*le? Because you do. You sound like an uneducated hick.


• The too-long door-holder. Dude, if I am right behind you, cool - hold the door for me. That's a very nice thing to do. If I am any other distance from you than within the 2-foot door-holding range, just let it go, it's not worth it, and you're probably making mouth noises that I really don't want to hear anyway.

See? Now I feel better and I'm not even going to punch my very good buddies who gulp water at me and bless every sound that even slightly approximates a sneeze. Good times.