Want That

So I've been working on losing weight. By working on it, I mean doing slightly less than absolutely nothing, in that I do everything exactly the same as before, I just don't eat as much, and when I do, it's something much less likely to cause me to gain weight. The only way I know (for now) to guarantee that what I eat is not going to make me gain weight is to eat one of those little frozen dinners/breakfasts (they're making great strides in frozen omelets. no, really.) and then a re-freaking-diculous pile of baby carrots. So basically I cook less (amazing amounts of time saved, guys), eat less, and weigh less. Revolutionary. It's going really slowly and I'm trying not to focus on it too much at all, but it's SUPER exciting to start fitting into old clothes again.

So as much as I pull on my tiny pants and make Kyle tell me my butt looks nice, I have been trying hard not to let Iris hear me go on too much about it. Losing weight hasn't changed my character in any way, or made me suddenly smarter or more successful, it just made my butt smaller, yaknow? And the size of my butt really has no bearing on anything other than the size of my pants.

Iris likes to read the same stories over, and over, and over again till she's memorized them. She likes to have the same conversations that many times over again as well, so we have a LOT of repeat conversations around here. In reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar (Iris: "Can we read the vewwy hungry pattykiller?" Totally.) we always get to the end of the book, when the caterpillar isn't hungry anymore, he's really fat, and he's ready to cocoon down and become a butterfly, and have the same conversation. Every time, like EVERY time, Iris goes, "the caterpillar is fat. (Adult who Iris knows but who I'm not about to out today) is fat too." The first time she said that I was all "WHO said that to you? WHY would you say that about her? She is NOT FAT." Her response: "She told me she was fat."

I was floored. I'm sorry people, but telling a toddler you are fat goes way beyond your own self-image or issues with yourself. I can state completely emphatically and correctly that we do not know anybody who is overweight enough that they should be described as fat. And that word is SUCH a loaded gun; it carries so many horrible self-image issues and societal burdens and just, so many -isms I can't even begin to analyze.

Now my kid has the information that a regular sized adult is fat. Now, if she ever gets close to that size (this person is PERFECTLY NORMALLY SIZED, IF NOT ON THE SMALL SIDE), she's going to think she herself is fat. What is a child to do with this information? She's already of the opinion that being fat is bad, so will my perfectly normally sized child then someday start taking measures to make herself smaller? Is she going to start to believe that by calling herself fat, she's somehow being humble? I don't know. I hope I can model good behavior and self-image/esteem/worth and combat this terrible mind/body relationship that she's been shown.

Mostly I just want her to forget about it. No child should ever look at themselves and think about whether or not they see a fat person looking back, and I'm pissed that anyone introduced the concept to her. I mean, she was two years old when that conversation took place. That is ridiculous. I want her to look at herself and focus not on her size, but on making sure she doesn't have schmutz stuck to her face, or that her clothes are on straight or something. I want a few more years before I have to worry about my little girl obsessing about her body. I want her to equate getting bigger with growing stronger and older, not fatter.

Uhg, I feel like I'm just ranting in circles now. Know what? I'm gonna take my size-whatever butt, and my pink dress-obsessed daughter, and we're going to dress up all fancy and go on a date. And when she says to me "Mommy, you look beauuuuuuutiful," I will not respond by putting myself down. I will thank her, and compliment her outfit as well. She will learn that it's okay to love the way you look, and she will learn how to be gracious, and complimentary, and she will feel good about herself, and no part of our conversation will have anything to do with fatness. I want that to be true forever.